My obsession with the enneagram continues, people. ( The enneagram is a personality test, btw) 

I'm a type nine. The peacemaker. 

I have a troublesome tendency to avoid things. Not just unpleasant things. I often avoid doing the very thing I want to do, the very thing that I dream of doing. Why? Because sometimes reaching my goal means the possibility of conflict, and conflict is uncomfortable. I have avoided expressing my own opinion in the past because I am worried it will conflict with another opinion. But in doing this, I shove down my own thoughts and emotions. 

I realized my vice isn't necessarily the things that I do, but the things that I DON'T do. Not making that phone call. Not talking to that person. Not trying. Not showing up, physically or emotionally. 

I think just being aware of this, noticing when I am avoiding conflict or avoiding showing up in relationships, helps me to fight against it. This week I was around A LOT of people and experienced some drama. I hardly had any alone time. Normally that would stress me out. However, I made a very conscious effort to BE PRESENT. To be confident and express my own thoughts and emotions more frequently. What did I find? Was it a drama-free, stress-free week? Well, no. But I also found that showing up and being present meant a much richer, fuller experience. A deeper connection with those I love, and I even made some new friends. It also made me feel more confident and grounded. 

Was it exhausting? Yes. But it was worth it. 

I've heard that nines have the least amount of energy on the enneagram. Yeah, that's true. Because we are internally boundried and externally boundried. I also might argue that when a nine has some kind of sickness that might make one more tired, (cough cough, hello you horrid lyme disease ) it works as another force against the nine towards becoming present and engaging fully in life. 

Just like certain things can be worth a lyme flare, I think many things in life can be worth the conflict. There are many times where conflict is healthy and NEEDS to happen in order to grow. Am I good at addressing this? Nah. But I know I'll get better. Thanks to the grace of Jesus Christ and his power to change people, I know he can change me. My need for peace, or rather a pseudo- peace, can definitely be selfish. God tells us in the bible, if we're christians we will face hardships and persecution. Following Christ means life isn't going to be easy, and finding REAL peace doesn't mean the world around you will be peaceful. It means finding peace in Jesus Christ and trusting in him. 

If you think I"m crazy and this all sounds like new age-y mumbo jumbo, I don't blame you. But I would say this; the enneagram is helping me greatly and maybe it could help you too.