Long time, no talk friends. Writing is so therapeutic for me, and I wish I did it more.

A year ago is when I started even suspecting there was something else wrong with me besides mono. I still find myself shocked that I even have lyme disease.  Now, after 6 months of antibiotics, am I better? Well, no.
( Note to self; when in public pools tell little sister not to scream across the pool, "JANA YOU CAN'T SWIM IN A PUBLIC POOL BECAUSE YOU HAVE A DISEASE." lol. *facepalm* )

I honestly believe that Lyme had been in my body since I was five years old. Could I be wrong? yeah. But it seems to be the only thing that makes sense to me. Let's look at it this way; the longer that lyme is in the body, the harder it is to eradicate the bacteria and co-infections. If that's the case then how could I expect only six months of antibiotics to knock out my chronic illness?

A lot of people ask me how I am doing, and I am trying to be more honest. Sometimes I don't have the energy to explain myself to people, because they look so confused if I tell them I'm still not feeling well. But regardless this leads me to that question; how am I doing really?

I am doing better in some ways and worse in others. Let's look at how I'm doing better first because #positivity.

1- Emotionally, I feel more at peace than I ever have since being diagnosed with lyme. 
Chronic illness changes you. You have to learn to adapt and accept the things about your health or your life that you can't change. That alone I think is a lifelong process. (I guess you could say that that goes for any difficult situation)

I met a friend for coffee a couple days ago who has been remission from lyme + many other chronic illnesses. She said something that stuck with me; "Our illnesses are not about us." 
I believe everything in my life God can use to bring glory to his kingdom; including my illness.

 I realized not long ago that I was holding on to a lot of bitterness, hurt and anger. 

Pain has a way of keeping you focused on yourself. There was a lot of dissatisfaction in my heart, because I just couldn't understand why my old life had been swept away from me. It felt as though God pulled the rug out from under my feet, and I was left flailing.

But God has begun to tenderly shift my eyes towards him; to show me how deeply he loves me even when  I may not understand.
If there's one thing chronic illness has made me realize, it's that I am sinful. And I am not as strong as I think I am. I am selfish and prideful.
I'm not saying that is the case for other chronic illness sufferers, just my own personal journey. When something is taken away from me my gut reaction is anger, fear, and lots of 'why me's'. Where was the joy and the peace that everyone talked about when God let bad things happen? I couldn't find it.

I heard this quote on a podcast the other day;

"Our greatest problem is not our pain. Our greatest problem is our sin." 

Convicting much?

I am still learning how to turn to Christ instead of myself.  I still wake up each day and sometimes think that if God just healed me and my life would be better. And I fully believe he has the power to do so, if he wanted to. But if he chooses not to, or in a different timing than I would like, then that is ok. I am learning to be thankful for this illness, for the very reason that it is refining my human soul and bring me back to the gospel.

That being said, he has given me so much peace and joy, that I know for a fact doesn't come from my own human nature. And that my friends is a gift.

2- Relapsing Symptoms? 

A lot of old symptoms have returned, along with some new ones. Lyme can hide. It is a very smart, advanced bacteria; a superbug of sorts. It can hide from medicine and go deeper into your body where the antibiotics can't reach it. It can fold itself up origami style so that your body doesn't even know it's there. Sounds like some sort of weird creepy alien, right?
On top of that, I wasn't meshing with my lyme doc. so I decided to just search for a different one. I started praying God would show me what to do next. A few weeks later, I stumbled across one and have an appointment in October and I am feeling hopeful.

The lord has blessed me with an amazing husband, the sweetest family and friends, and a clear path what to do next.

The more time goes on, the more I am realizing it isn't about me. That is the very reason I share my health journey, because if this helps just one person feel less alone than that is all that matters. I truly believe that God uses our lives and our stories to impact those around us, whether or not we see how that happens. I know for myself, when I have seen someone who experiences great loss or pain but has faith, that screams Jesus. Because it is only through his grace can we experience that joy.

Happy Saturday friends!

Blessings
Jana