I had a conversation with an old co-worker/friend the other day that's really stuck with me. We were talking about me being sick, and they said, "Well, it just didn't appear to be that bad...I mean, I didn't notice you weren't feeling well."
I shifted my weight in the chair.
"I guess I kind of did it to myself, I was trying very hard to hide it," I laughed, trying to distract myself from how disheartening that was to hear. I mumbled,
"Actually I was coming to work everyday with a fever, I was just was trying to power through."

"Oh....well, I guess you should just communicate better next time." they responded. And it's true, I didn't communicate how I was feeling. Because how could I? My doctor told me I was fine, actually, several doctors. I thought I was a baby and I needed to suck it up, buttercup. If I complained, if I told everyone how much I was struggling, how could they have understood when I looked so normal? Maybe I'm too cynical of people and always assume they wouldn't be willing to listen.

The hardest part of being sick for me is feeling misunderstood. Feeling as though people thought I was lazy, or a quitter, or a liar. None of that is me, or has ever been me. No one every SAID that to me but it was heavily implied. My job used to be a very big part of my life. After I quit, I had more than one person come up and say, "well I guess everyday is saturday for you now, right?!" Ouch. It's not like I quit work because I wanted a break or a vacation, heck no. I quit because I was sick. I quit because I was literally forgetting where I was when I was driving. I was zoning out so much I felt like a zombie. I quit because I was in pain.

My mom told me I didn't have to prove it to anyone. I found a good doctor who diagnosed me with lyme, and that is that.

But even after my diagnosis I struggle with feeling like I need people to understand. I constantly feel the need to prove to everyone that even though I look normal, I'm not. Just because I don't talk about my pain all the time, doesn't mean it's not there. If I talked about lyme 24/7, I promise you, you wouldn't wanna be friends with me.
I'm in a weird limbo land where I am having many more good days than bad, but I still feel kinda off. Especially if I let myself get too tired and if I do too much. (aka, yeah, i overdid it this week. Oops.)

I may have lyme disease, but I am more than lyme. It is a part of my story but it is not who I am.  I choose every day to FIGHT against my illness in order to have a full life again, even if I'm in pain, and even if I don't talk about it. Life with lyme, you never know what you will get.

The cold, hard truth of the matter is people are going to believe what they want to believe. Regardless of the truth. I could sit here in my anger and think about how everyone else needs to change, or I could take this to the Lord and ask him to change my heart. After all, he is only one who truly 100% understands, because he is all knowing. He sees, and he cares.

I often feel him gently nudging my heart and I hear, "Why do you need to prove yourself so badly? Trust that I AM ENOUGH."

He is enough for me, even when people let me down.
He is enough for me when I let others down.
He is enough for me when life does not go as planned.
He is enough for me when I am hurting; physically and emotionally.
He is enough for me when others don't understand.
And He is enough for me when I don't understand, either.

I don't know about you, but I find great comfort in knowing that the Lord cares of me. I find comfort in resting in the gospel of Jesus Christ.