jana diaries

February 06, 2018 1 comments

January 30, 2018 No comments

I don't have a new year's resolution this year. I find for me, more often than not, they tend to be pretty useless. Not that I'm judging anyone who has resolutions or goals, I just don't this year.

2017 was a very FULL year for me. I got engaged, married, and moved out in the span of five months! It was probably the best and the most difficult year of my life. There were so many wonderful sweet, sweet moments where I remember thanking God for wonderful blessings which I know I don't deserve. And there were also many moments where I found myself crying and asking the Lord, "how can this be your plan for me? Father, I don't understand."

We do our best to make plans and goals and new year's resolutions, and that's all fine and dandy until a curve ball comes your way. Or maybe you reach your goal and realize it doesn't make you as happy as you thought it would. ( I know that's happened to me before.) I think we live in a world where success is an idol. Than why aren't successful people happy? You see it all the time; celebrities who seem to have everything aren't happy. Nor are those seemingly perfect neighbors down the street with nicer cars than you.

I always find myself thinking, "Ok, once I have THIS, than I will be happy and content." I imagine God looking and me and shaking his head.

This year I didn't make a new year's resolution because I'm truly living life day by day right now. I never know how I'm going to feel when I wake up in the morning. That sounds a little depressing, but it's not; not really. Living in the moment instead of worrying about the future is freeing. Learning to love the little things is beautiful. Discovering your worth in your heavenly father, time and time again, is crucial and grounding. At least it is for me.

I do have goals and hopes and dreams, but I want them to unfold according to HIS plan and not my own. I want to learn how to be content where he has me RIGHT NOW. Easier said than done! But I believe that healing is possible, and there is beauty in in every struggle.

Happy new year, folks,
Jana

January 11, 2018 No comments

It's hard not to compare my story to other people's. I keep hearing that voice in my head telling me that I don't have a right to be sad because other people are hurting worse than me right now. But if I'm being honest, at moments I cannot deny that this illness appears to have stolen things from me. Things I held onto that made me feel safe and whole. The familiarity of a routine. The ability to run. The music that would flow through my head to my fingertips. I feel I’m in a glass box, watching my neighbors and friends scurry about their busy lives trying to find a bit of peace. And though my world is often very quiet and I find myself alone more than I’d like to be, I do not feel at peace. I find myself asking a lot of questions these days. Like, "AHHHHHH this is a curveball and who the heck am I without all these external things?"

You know those moments in stories, where the main character has some sort of disaster and all is striped away? Sometimes I feel like I’m in that moment. #dramaqueen

I think we often imagine ourselves as the hero of our own stories. At least I know I do. I think, “If I can just fight through this. If I can just be strong and keep my chin up, it’s going to be alright. People are going to look at me and think, wow she’s so strong I wanna be like her!”

I’m glad I’m not the hero to my own story, or anyone else’s for that matter. Being sick has taught me a lot about myself, especially how prideful I am. I don’t like to let my weakness show. Yet here I am where I am in a position of need. It can be so challenging to accept I need the Lord when it seems all of my physical needs are met. I have never had to wonder if I’m going to have something to eat tomorrow, or a place to sleep. Though it may be small in comparison, until now I have never had to truly concern myself with my health. Having some physical limitations to what I can do in a day forces me to acknowledge just how much I need the Lord.

I think that’s why The Gospel is just so astounding and incredibly different than any other religion. Because Jesus is the game changer. We are not the savoirs to our own stories; God is. The world we live in today definitely has a, “save yourself because no one else will” mentality. Like this poem;

"Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul"

-Invictus by William Ernest Henley

It makes me sad. This piece capture the darkness, sorrow and brokenness of humanity, but it’s solution is “I am the hero. I am great. I will choose where my story goes.” Or rather it seems to me that the author is trying to convince himself of it. It’s strange because I see a lot of myself in it. I grit my teeth, push back the tears, trying desperately to deny my fears and tell myself to be strong.

Oh, it makes my heart sad. How many people have been faced with a battle they could never win on their own? How many people living in poverty who have had no control over their pain and suffering? I’ve thought a lot about those who are still in slavery today, Hurricane Harvey Victims or the fires in California. We would all choose to have perfect lives if we could, because before the fall, before sin, the world was made to be just that; perfectly in harmony with the God of the universe.

But no matter who you are, sin will affect your life.

And that’s why Christmas is such a miracle. Because Jesus. He is the twist in our story. The reason that we can have hope.

There are times where I see the darkness in the world and it’s very easy to push aside my current struggles because they seem like a grain of sand in comparison. It can be a good thing, for it makes me thankful for all the truly beautiful and wonderful blessings in my life. But it doesn’t mean I should minimize it whenever I am sad or hurting. Just because it seems small doesn’t mean God doesn’t care.

Matthew 6:26

“Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value then they?”

Is it not a burden lifted to admit our own weakness and accept the love given to us by our heavenly father? I think of the song, “Oh How He Loves” by John Mark McMillan.

“We are his portion and he is our prize,

drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes.

If his grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss

and my heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when i think about the way

He loves us, oh how he loves us.”

For the record I am team sloppy wet kiss. I love that picture in my mind- a messy, sloppy wet kiss from a father who loves his children more than we could ever know.

As a songwriter geek, I like to research songs and the meanings behind them. This one is obviously famous and you might already know this song was born from some of the deepest hurt I think a human can feel. John wrote that song after losing his best friend in a tragic car accident . I know that’s a pretty loaded story, but the testimony is just incredible to me. His friend said that he would give his life if it would shake the youth of the nation, and God allowed his life to be taken in a car accident. John then wrote this song, he wasn’t in a joyful place. He wrote it ‘as a way to cope’, mourning the loss of his best friend.

I believe God uses music and art to touch our lives in such a special way, and I believe this song has reached many people who needed to hear it. And still does to this day. I’m sure John Mark McMillan never imagined or dreamed that would happen. And I’m sure he still misses his best friend and hurts because of that loss.

I think we want that kind of hope for our lives. To believe that He Loves Us even when we cannot understand. Even when the unthinkable happens.

I know this kind of seems like a rabbit trail. Like, ‘how does that tragic story relate to jana?”

Well, it doesn’t exactly but it does. God used the heartache and suffering and turned it into something beautiful and that is what I think we all long for.

I’m not really sure how to end this, except to say that whatever you are going through, you are not alone and the Lord cares and treasures you more than you could ever dream. No matter how broken, Jesus meets us right there in our mess.

There's a picture that hung in my house growing up of Jesus holding a little lamb. I remember being little and staring at it when I was scared, remembering what my mom told me; "you're that little lamb, Jana. And Jesus has got you right in his arms."

Take heart friend. Jesus is the twist in our story.

December 11, 2017 2 comments

Howdy friends,

I wanted to share some life updates with you. For the record, I am writing this not because I want attention or pity. I'm writing because it is really cathartic for me and helps me process things. Reading other people's stories is often encouraging to me, so I thought I'd share mine too.

As I shared last week, I've been having some health issues this year. Things like unexplained fevers, joint and muscle pain, migraines, short term memory problems and brain fog, extreme fatigue, etc. I could go on. Really random symptoms that can come and go. I definitely started getting worse after Hurricane Harvey. I think when there's something really wrong with you, deep down you just know. That is what has led me to keep searching for an answer.

It hurts to be told your pain isn't real. Especially by the people who are supposed to help you. I went to several doctors but none of them could give me an answer. They always made me feel like I was being dramatic and looking for attention. A few weeks ago, I finally heard back from an infectious disease specialist who told me "there's nothing wrong with you. take some vitamin d and you'll be fine." I felt tears well up in my eyes and thought 'no no no. he thinks i'm crazy.'

Other doctors and people told me:

"Are you stressed? Even good stress is stress."

(My personal favorite) "Have you tried journaling?"

"Have you tried eating healthier?"

"What about yoga?"

"But are you sure you are getting enough sleep?"

"there's nothing wrong with you."

The next morning I went to go see internist recommended to me by a friend of a friend. As soon as she walked in and began talking to me I knew I was in the right place. She was the first person to listen to me and take me seriously. She even said, "What you are experiencing is not normal. We're gonna figure this out."

Two and a half weeks later, (might I note they were excruciatingly slow?) I have a diagnosis.

I have Lyme disease.

"The disease is caused by a spiral-shaped bacteria (spirochete) called Borrelia Burgdorferi. The Lyme spirochete can cause infection of multiple organs and produce a wide range of symptoms."
source

I can't begin to explain the amount of relief that has flooded my heart. There's been many times where this pain and tiredness has overwhelmed my body, but I thought it was normal to feel like that. I thought I was just getting older so that's why I was so achy. I thought everyone was this tired. Or I just assumed I was lazy and needed to push myself harder. Before I started researching a few months ago, I had no idea lyme could be chronic. I had no idea it could cause such crazy debilitating symptoms. And I certainly had no idea that I was infected.

Did you know that less than 50% of lyme patients recall a tick bite? And less than 50% recall a bullseye rash?

Looking back now, it really makes sense. The only time I ever recall anything similar to a bullseye rash was when I was five years old and had been playing in the grass with my neighbor's pet bunny rabbit. We found a funny rash on my thigh and assumed it was ringworm. But that same year, I kept getting sick over and over. Never once did we ever think 'tick bite'. From that moment on, any time I would get overtired, I would automatically come down with a fever and a virus.

When I in high school I started having other strange symptoms; my knees hurting real bad after running or working out, suddenly being allergic to dairy, extreme fatigue for no reason, and going through times where I just felt...off.

Maybe I got bit when I was a teenager. (I've always been outside a lot my whole life)Or maybe I've had it since I was five. It's hard to say. Lyme is WEEEEIRRRRD. My doctor said I've probably had it for awhile. She also said it can hide in your body until your immune system is suppressed and eventually the bacteria will begin to take over. Sounds like some kind of weird creepy alien, amiright?

Guys, what's insane is I got really lucky. Okay, scratch that. It's not luck. It was the Lord leading me to the right doctor when I needed it.

There's some people with lyme disease who are a lot sicker than me. Like, in a wheelchair or in the hospital or completely paralyzed. It's scary. Lyme is not curable, but it is treatable.

The good news: I don't have any co-infections, and I'm a youngin'. My doctor was pretty hopeful that I am going to recover.

I am starting treatment tomorrow and I'm nervous. This round of treatment is going to be 3-4 months of different types of antibiotics to kill the bacteria. The meds can be aggressive and cause what's called a 'herx' reaction. (the bacteria dying off) Essentially, I'm going to feel worse before I feel better. But I'm ready to fight this thing. And I'm grateful that God so graciously allowed me to get a diagnosis and find the right doctor.

If there's one thing I have learned through all of this, is that you should never, ever judge anyone.

Because You just don't know what they are going through. I know it's cliche, but it's so true. I can't count how many times I have judged someone based on first impressions, how they look, or what they choose to share. Lyme disease is often an invisible illness, something you can't see but is very real. My heart aches for all those with this horrible disease who are unaware. Or simply anyone with chronic pain or an illness. I guess everyone is fighting their own battles, whether that's an illness, jobs, broken relationships, lost dreams, addictions, to name a few...it's so easy to make assumptions about other people when you simply don't know what they are facing. I am praying that I can see what God sees when he looks at someone; a precious but flawed human being in need of his love, just like me.

The road to recovery may not be simple or easy, but I am filled with hope. Thank you Lord, for answers.

Hunter and I had Psalm 46 read at our wedding, and it still comforts me every time I read it. I hope it comforts you too.

God is our refuge and strength,
    a very present[b] help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
    though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam,
    though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy habitation of the Most High.
5 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
    God will help her when morning dawns.
6 The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
    he utters his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

8 Come, behold the works of the Lord,
    how he has brought desolations on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
    he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the chariots with fire.
10 “Be still, and know that I am God.
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!”
11 The Lord of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our fortress."

December 06, 2017 1 comments

Earlier this year I shared how I was struggling with a unknown chronic illness. A couple months and three doctors later I am finally on the road to getting some answers. (Hopefully) I will share more about this later when I know more, as of now I'm still waiting to hear from my doctor.

The silence and stillness in my life has given me more than enough time to really think, however I often feel my brain is on a merry go round. I often have real bad brain fog y'all. You know when you walk in room to get something and then a moment later forget what you needed or why you're there? Multiply that by 10000. Example: Leaving my phone at the house multiple times. Forgetting people's names. Getting lost. I was driving home the other day and for a split second forgot where I was. Yeah, weird I know. There are moments where I am just baffled at my own lack of mental clarity. It's pretty hard to organize my thoughts and I feel like I have the vocabulary of a five year old. Imagine someone pouring a gallon of molasses into your brain; that's what it feels like.

Having to drop off the face of the earth (due to fatigue and whatever the heck it is I have), has left me realizing how hard it is to be content when you have no control over the situation. I have no control over the fact I had to quit my job, or that I often can't go out with my friends, or that I can't go for a run or a bike ride. I also have no control over the fact that there's a handful of people who don't think I'm actually sick. My symptoms come and go for no rhyme or reason. The toughest aspect of all of this for me has been my emotions. I miss all the things that made me...well, me. I miss my full, busy life. I often think, "God, I could be of so more much use to you if I was better."

Well, that's a lie right there. I know God has me where he has me for a reason. He has placed me right here, right now in this moment. And I am learning how to reach for him. How to seek him. How to cling to him and let his grace be enough for me.

Without my songwriting, my job, my lack of social interaction...it's left me feeling pretty worthless. I stumbled across this quote when watching a tedx talk and it really struck me:

"Those who haven't suffered serious illness rarely understand how isolating it can be. Suddenly I was cut off from the strong and healthy people scurrying up their ladders of success. Being weak in America feels shameful, and I just wanted to hide."

Now, I'm not saying I have some 'serious illness' but I have certainly been forced to take a step back from 'normal life'. We live in a very fast paced culture. I mean hello, Thanksgiving itself is practically skipped or rushed through so we can get to Christmas. Hurry up and get those candy canes on the shelf the second Halloween is over! Count a blessing here and there then it's off to buy some holiday sweaters!( I love a black friday deal as much as the next girl, but come on...it's so ironic.)

The thing is, you'd think slowing down would make me be more thankful and actually pay attention to what God is trying to tell me. But the truth is I am awful stubborn and self centered and it's a whole lot easier to throw myself a mini pity party. The why me's come easy and the thank-you's don't. It's hard to let go of my self pity. It's hard to cling to Jesus when I don't understand.

My mom forwarded me this podcast about two women with Chronic Lyme disease. ( I encourage you to listen to all three parts. They're amazing.) One of them said something that resonated so much with me: "I realized my greatest problem is not my disease. My greatest problem is my sin. That is the very disease that Jesus died to save us from."

When I think back to the moments in my life where I have seen the Lord working in my life, many of them were not the 'easy' moments. Many of them were the moments where I found myself in weakness, in pain, and unable to understand.

This comforts me so much! God has blessed me so graciously and I will choose to focus on that, and rest in him. I will end my post with this, for it sings the song of my heart;

Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by thy help I'm come

and I hope by thy good pleasure safely to arrive at home

Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God

He to rescue me from danger, interposed his precious blood."