Earlier this year I shared how I was struggling with a unknown chronic illness. A  couple months and three doctors later I am finally on the road to getting some answers. (Hopefully) I will share more about this later when I know more, as of now I'm still waiting to hear from my doctor. 

The silence and stillness in my life has given me more than enough time to really think, however I often feel my brain is on a merry go round. I often have real bad brain fog y'all. You know when you walk in room to get something and then a moment later forget what you needed or why you're there? Multiply that by 10000.  Example: Leaving my phone at the house multiple times. Forgetting people's names. Getting lost. I was driving home the other day and for a split second forgot where I was. Yeah, weird I know. There are moments where I am just baffled at my own lack of mental clarity. It's pretty hard to organize my thoughts and I feel like I have the vocabulary of a five year old. Imagine someone pouring a gallon of molasses into your brain; that's what it feels like. 

Having to drop off the face of the earth (due to fatigue and whatever the heck it is I have), has left me realizing how hard it is to be content when you have no control over the situation. I have no control over the fact I had to quit my job, or that I often can't go out with my friends, or that I can't go for a run or a bike ride. I also have no control over the fact that there's a handful of people who don't think I'm actually sick. My symptoms come and go for no rhyme or reason. The toughest aspect of all of this for me has been my emotions. I miss all the things that made me...well, me. I miss my full, busy life. I often think, "God, I could be of so more much use to you if I was better." 

Well, that's a lie right there. I know God has me where he has me for a reason. He has placed me right here, right now in this moment. And I am learning how to reach for him. How to seek him. How to cling to him and let his grace be enough for me. 

Without my songwriting, my job, my lack of social interaction...it's left me feeling pretty worthless. I stumbled across this quote when watching a tedx talk and it really struck me: 

Now, I'm not saying I have some 'serious illness' but I have certainly been forced to take a step back from 'normal life'. We live in a very fast paced culture. I mean hello, Thanksgiving itself is practically skipped or rushed through so we can get to Christmas. Hurry up and get those candy canes on the shelf the second Halloween is over! Count a blessing here and there then it's off to buy some holiday sweaters!( I love a black friday deal as much as the next girl, but come on...it's so ironic.) 

The thing is, you'd think slowing down would make me be more thankful and actually pay attention to what God is trying to tell me. But the truth is I am awful stubborn and self centered and it's a whole lot easier to throw myself a mini pity party. The why me's come easy and the thank-you's don't.  It's hard to let go of my self pity. It's hard to cling to Jesus when I don't understand.  

My mom forwarded me this podcast about two women with Chronic Lyme disease. ( I encourage you to listen to all three parts. They're amazing.) One of them said something that resonated so much with me: "I realized my greatest problem is not my disease. My greatest problem is my sin. That is the very disease that Jesus died to save us from." 

When I think back to the moments in my life where I have seen the Lord working in my life, many of them were not the 'easy' moments. Many of them were the moments where I found myself in weakness, in pain, and unable to understand. 

This comforts me so much! God has blessed me so graciously and I will choose to focus on that, and rest in him. I will end my post with this, for it sings the song of my heart; 

Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by thy help I'm come

and I hope by thy good pleasure safely to arrive at home

Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God 

He to rescue me from danger, interposed his precious blood."