Sloppy Wet Kiss
It's hard not to compare my story to other people's. I keep hearing that voice in my head telling me that I don't have a right to be sad because other people are hurting worse than me right now. But if I'm being honest, at moments I cannot deny that this illness appears to have stolen things from me. Things I held onto that made me feel safe and whole. The familiarity of a routine. The ability to run. The music that would flow through my head to my fingertips. I feel I’m in a glass box, watching my neighbors and friends scurry about their busy lives trying to find a bit of peace. And though my world is often very quiet and I find myself alone more than I’d like to be, I do not feel at peace. I find myself asking a lot of questions these days. Like, "AHHHHHH this is a curveball and who the heck am I without all these external things?"
You know those moments in stories, where the main character has some sort of disaster and all is striped away? Sometimes I feel like I’m in that moment. #dramaqueen
I think we often imagine ourselves as the hero of our own stories. At least I know I do. I think, “If I can just fight through this. If I can just be strong and keep my chin up, it’s going to be alright. People are going to look at me and think, wow she’s so strong I wanna be like her!”
I’m glad I’m not the hero to my own story, or anyone else’s for that matter. Being sick has taught me a lot about myself, especially how prideful I am. I don’t like to let my weakness show. Yet here I am where I am in a position of need. It can be so challenging to accept I need the Lord when it seems all of my physical needs are met. I have never had to wonder if I’m going to have something to eat tomorrow, or a place to sleep. Though it may be small in comparison, until now I have never had to truly concern myself with my health. Having some physical limitations to what I can do in a day forces me to acknowledge just how much I need the Lord.
I think that’s why The Gospel is just so astounding and incredibly different than any other religion. Because Jesus is the game changer. We are not the savoirs to our own stories; God is. The world we live in today definitely has a, “save yourself because no one else will” mentality. Like this poem;
"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul"
-Invictus by William Ernest Henley
It makes me sad. This piece capture the darkness, sorrow and brokenness of humanity, but it’s solution is “I am the hero. I am great. I will choose where my story goes.” Or rather it seems to me that the author is trying to convince himself of it. It’s strange because I see a lot of myself in it. I grit my teeth, push back the tears, trying desperately to deny my fears and tell myself to be strong.
Oh, it makes my heart sad. How many people have been faced with a battle they could never win on their own? How many people living in poverty who have had no control over their pain and suffering? I’ve thought a lot about those who are still in slavery today, Hurricane Harvey Victims or the fires in California. We would all choose to have perfect lives if we could, because before the fall, before sin, the world was made to be just that; perfectly in harmony with the God of the universe.
But no matter who you are, sin will affect your life.
And that’s why Christmas is such a miracle. Because Jesus. He is the twist in our story. The reason that we can have hope.
There are times where I see the darkness in the world and it’s very easy to push aside my current struggles because they seem like a grain of sand in comparison. It can be a good thing, for it makes me thankful for all the truly beautiful and wonderful blessings in my life. But it doesn’t mean I should minimize it whenever I am sad or hurting. Just because it seems small doesn’t mean God doesn’t care.
Matthew 6:26
“Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value then they?”
Is it not a burden lifted to admit our own weakness and accept the love given to us by our heavenly father? I think of the song, “Oh How He Loves” by John Mark McMillan.
“We are his portion and he is our prize,
drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes.
If his grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when i think about the way
He loves us, oh how he loves us.”
For the record I am team sloppy wet kiss. I love that picture in my mind- a messy, sloppy wet kiss from a father who loves his children more than we could ever know.
As a songwriter geek, I like to research songs and the meanings behind them. This one is obviously famous and you might already know this song was born from some of the deepest hurt I think a human can feel. John wrote that song after losing his best friend in a tragic car accident . I know that’s a pretty loaded story, but the testimony is just incredible to me. His friend said that he would give his life if it would shake the youth of the nation, and God allowed his life to be taken in a car accident. John then wrote this song, he wasn’t in a joyful place. He wrote it ‘as a way to cope’, mourning the loss of his best friend.
I believe God uses music and art to touch our lives in such a special way, and I believe this song has reached many people who needed to hear it. And still does to this day. I’m sure John Mark McMillan never imagined or dreamed that would happen. And I’m sure he still misses his best friend and hurts because of that loss.
I think we want that kind of hope for our lives. To believe that He Loves Us even when we cannot understand. Even when the unthinkable happens.
I know this kind of seems like a rabbit trail. Like, ‘how does that tragic story relate to jana?”
Well, it doesn’t exactly but it does. God used the heartache and suffering and turned it into something beautiful and that is what I think we all long for.
I’m not really sure how to end this, except to say that whatever you are going through, you are not alone and the Lord cares and treasures you more than you could ever dream. No matter how broken, Jesus meets us right there in our mess.
There's a picture that hung in my house growing up of Jesus holding a little lamb. I remember being little and staring at it when I was scared, remembering what my mom told me; "you're that little lamb, Jana. And Jesus has got you right in his arms."
Take heart friend. Jesus is the twist in our story.
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2 comments
This is utterly beautiful and completely encouraging. Thank you for your honesty and for the simplicity with which you point straight back to Jesus! <3
ReplyDeleteHi Jay! Loraine here. Your blog is beautiful!!! I am enjoying getting to know you even more through your wonderfully worded writing. I especially love this post because you discuss so many important points, like comparison in chronic illness. It is something I have struggled with too, and hope to write a post about soon! I think it is of upmost importance that we always remember our pains and struggles are valid, even if we do not suffer in the same ways as others. Suffering is suffering the only difference is how it is experienced and by whom; we all suffer.
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