What else can I give him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb
if I were a wise man, I would do my part
what else can I give him? Give him my heart.
The rain woke me up before my alarm this morning. There are some days where I wake up and a heaviness is in my chest; It’s been a hard week. Month. Year.
The sleep was still clinging to my eyes as I got out of bed. My family and I were going to a Christmas worship service on the other side of town to see one of our favorite singers, (Fernando Ortega) along with a choir.
Don’t get me wrong, I was excited to hear the music. But I certainly felt like I got up on the wrong side of bed this morning.
When we walked into the (very traditional) church, we were greeted by a friendly elderly old lady, that kindly informed me I couldn’t bring my coffee into the sanctuary. I forced a smile and nearly fell down the stairs on my way to the trash can, but somehow managed to save myself in some awkward flailing of my arms and legs…
it was not a good start to the morning.
When I went back in, I sat down in a pew next to my little brother. He’s ten. Ten year old boys can’t sit still. Nor do they know how to be quiet. “quit it,” I whispered through my teeth. He rolled his eyes and proceeded to pretend to play on his imaginary drum set.
“fantastic. I wonder how long this thing is gonna last.”
Finally, the lights were dimmed and everything was quiet. I could still hear the rain beating against the stain glass windows before the choir began to sing.
“joy to the world, the lord has come
let earth receive her king
let every heart prepare him room,
and heaven and nature sing
and heaven and nature sing…”
I felt my heart begin to soften, and as they sang, hot tears burned in my eyes.
I thought of my grandma and how much she loved Christmas. I thought of how the night before I had been crying quietly in my room, asking Jesus to comfort me. I thought of all the sorrow my Dad is carrying, and the dark circles under my mom’s eyes.
And then I felt a strange sense of peace, and even joy settling in my heart.
That’s some of the most beautiful music I’ve ever heard. Isn’t it crazy how music can be so powerful?
I know that Christmas, and really the holidays in general, can be a painful time for many people. But let me share something I heard in church a few sundays ago- the speaker was talking about the movie, “inside out”, and how it teaches us that sadness and joy often go together. How simple, but how true. Christmas doesn’t mean that we should try and ignore our problems and ‘be happy and merry’, or that we aren’t allowed to cry. I think Jesus sees our hurts and our scars, and he wants to walk through the darkness with us.
“Cast all your anxiety on him for he cares for you.”- 1 Peter 5:7
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your father. And even the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” -Matt 10: 29-31
“ Some wandered in desert wastes, finding no way to a city to dwell in; hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted within them. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way till they reached a city to dwell in. Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! for he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.” - Psalm 107:4-7
Whatever burdens you are carrying today, lay them upon Jesus, because he cares for you.
December 13, 2015
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"When nightmares come and keep you awake
baby close your eyes, I'll take the weight.
but I won't speak, I will refrain
and be the song, just be the song.
When inner scars show on your face
and darkness hides your sense of place
well i won't speak, I will refrain
and be the song, just be the song." - "Be the Song", Foy Vance
Last week, my grandma went to go be with Jesus. She is finally 'home'.
We had always seen each other on holidays and birthdays and the usual family gatherings. But it was three years ago that my grandmother left her home in West Virginia and moved to Texas to live with us, that I felt I came to know her so much better. I know that it wasn't easy for her to leave. Moving is hard enough as it is, but when you've lived in the same state for 77 years, you really are leaving everything behind. She knew that things were never going to be the same again, and I remember how she cried when she kissed her big orange cat "Garfield" goodbye.
This picture was taken outside her home the day she left. It makes me want to cry, for I know that it broke her heart to leave West Virginia.
From the day she moved in, life has been a roller coaster. She was a diabetic with many other health problems, and she had recently started dialysis. She had only been here a month when she fell and broke her hip. It was quite the ordeal, and yet she pulled through. "Nanny's a fighter," my mom would say. We had many expected-unexpected visits to the hospital.
Even though her little body was worn out and her home was miles and miles away, she never complained. She marched right into Texas and started living. She was absolutely one of a kind.
While she was still living at our house, on sunday evenings I liked to go sit in her room and drink tea and we'd watch "the Mentalist" together. It was our favorite show. And she loved Christmas. We spent hours and hours carefully wrapping every last present, and she showed me how to fold the corners of the paper so they didn't crease.
November 16, 2015
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This week I went to visit my family in PA for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. Time has gone by too fast, and I wish we didn't have to say goodbye. My heart feels so full of the wonderful memories we have made together during this time; laughter and coffee around an old kitchen table, going on long walks and marveling at the changing leaves, singing hymns together, and drinking hot apple cider in the back yard. 
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| My mom takes Jumping photos very seriously. |
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| My sweet Great Grandma. |
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| 95 and she's still got swag. |
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| Cousin Laney and I being silly in our giant fluffy coats. |
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| On a run! |
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| This is the town my mom grew up in. It's really small, and you can walk everywhere. Almost every morning we walked to some sort of bakery or coffee shop. Yummy! |
October 26, 2015
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Every time Autumn rolls around I get a hankering for some Andrew Belle music. Particularly, his "Blackbear" Record. I don't know why, it just feels like music you're supposed to listen to when it's cold outside. This has got to be one of my all time favorite albums. Isn't it weird how a song can take you back to a certain moment?
There's a difference between just putting on some music, and then truly listening. Sometimes I like to sit in the middle of my floor with some big headphones on, close my eyes, and listen to a record-start to finish. This is a record I could really listen to, over and over and over again.
Happy October first.
-Jana
October 01, 2015
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dear little girl
with tears in your eyes
and their words sticking to your heart like flypaper;
you are enough.
all of you.
every sundrop freckle on your skin,
the way your voice cracks when you laugh,
your love for old novels and the sound of rain on the rooftop.
you see the world in color,
a lover of beauty
finding her in places others mind overlook.
dear little girl
with a hope in your eyes
and a song dancing upon your lips;
you are enough.
all of you.
September 29, 2015
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Some of my favorite things lately:
-"I Walked The Line" By Vivian Cash. One of my favorite movies is "I walk the line" with Joaquin Phoenix. But as usual, the movie portrays the story very differently. The majority of the book is actually a compilation of letters from Johnny to Vivian. Heartbreaking, yes. But it really shows the truth of what happened between Johnny and Vivian and June.
-Ryan Adams 1989 cover record. I feel like this is something you'd either love or hate. I definitely jam to "1989", but this cover album is a whole new ball game. Gives me some serious feels.
-This video, inspired by the book "Steal like an Artist".
-This coconut coffee creamer recipe. Dairy and I don't get along too well. So I went searching the great interweb for a coffee creamer recipe that actually tasted good. This recipe right here is a winner. Kind of time consuming, but so yummy!
-"Tiny; a story about living small" This documentary is just downright cool, not to mention inspiring. I would love to live in a tiny house someday. It makes you think twice about how much you really need.
Hope you're having a lovely week!
-Jana
September 25, 2015
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