jana diaries: January 2015

There is no way to escape the changing of the seasons, the ache of the silence that comes with transformation. Sometimes it can even be a good change, but in the moment when the comfort of familiarity is out of reach, pain seems to be unavoidable.

The truth of the matter is, people change. Friends and family change. It can be beautiful, it can be wonderful and the best thing for everyone in the long run. But it can also be incredibly difficult. I’ve always wondered secretly if I was the person who became more invested in friendships or relationships. I don’t need a lot of friends, just a few very close friends. (Which are hard to come by!) That sounds selfish, it probably is. But it seems that so many good things are happening to them, and I feel a bit...um, left in the dust, if you will.

Suddenly the people whom I use to rely on just aren’t around. Realizing that someone else’s life goes on perfectly fine without me, certainly deflates my ego. And the devil always knows just what to say to make me feel as though it was something wrong with me, whispering lies to fuel my self pity. It’s always easier to blame someone or something. Some people blame God, some people blame other people, and some blame themselves. But honestly there is no one to blame. This is not even necessarily a ‘bad’ change in my life. It is just a change.

It’s as though I’ve closed my fingers so tightly over the only reality I assumed would bring me happiness is now being pried out of my fingers. The more time passes, the more I begin to see how happiness is based less on circumstances, but more on how you choose to see them and what you do with them. And Gods plans vs. Jana’s plans is not a smart idea. Even if I don’t know what God’s plan is exactly, simply being willing to accept what he gives me is a big deal. Keeping an open heart and focusing my eyes open him-the UNchanging God, who fills me with peace and joy.

January 27, 2015 4 comments

Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it. Resistance is experienced as fear; the degree of fear equates the strength of Resistance. Therefore, the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul.

–Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

January 27, 2015 2 comments

How to survive a bad cold:

1.) Drink lots of liquids. preferably hot water + lemon+ honey + cinnamon

2.) Watch Pretty in Pink and lament over how Andie and Ducky should have ended up together.

3.) Diffuse with essential oils.

4.) Sleep.

5.) Sleep some more.

6.) Did I mention sleep?

7.) Cuddle with the cat.

8.) Edit old photos with this awesome afterlight app.

9.) Listen to Iron and Wine

10.) Take a hot shower.

January 25, 2015 1 comments

This week I've been doing a different writing prompt every morning. One of them was to use the words "frank, accordion fold" and "blue" in the story or poem. The outcome was a silly little poem about a homeless man. I think simple poems are my favorite. Not sure if it's because they can be easier to write, or just because they're loads of fun :)

~~~

Mr. Bill Baxter

a pale shade of blue

he sat underneath

the stair at the zoo

He traveled from Spain

long ago on a boat,

he wore a brown hat

and a button-less coat

Mr Bill Baxter

his accordion, “Lou”

he played for the children

and the animals too.

He sang to the lions

to the pink kangaroo

to the tigers and pandas

who taught him kung fu.

Mr. Bill Baxter,

no home and one shoe

but he certainly caused

quite a hullabuloo.

P.S- I'm obsessed with this EP. Soooooo beautiful.

January 10, 2015 No comments

“Evergreens”

out among

the evergreens

i found you hiding in the leaves

your soiled hands

that threw the stone

you claimed that they were not your own

but here beneath

the morning sun

it shines upon

what i have done

i’ve loved you in the cold, even in the night

when you think that i have gone away

and given up the fight

darling lift your eyes

and see the fallen snow

covering the broken pieces

on the earth below

out among

the evergreens

i found you there upon your knees

be still and rest

your little head

down beside the riverbed

January 09, 2015 1 comments

warning; a lot of photos in this post. These are people I absolutely love.

January 08, 2015 No comments

I keep trying to type out a blog post and the first words are the lyrics to a song.

"How fickle my heart..." oh wait that's Mumford and sons.
"in the morning when I wake..." Oops that's a hymn.
"Everybody's changing and I still feel the same." ugh that's a Keane song. My entire life could be written out of song lyrics. What am I even doing with my life? What will I do after graduation? What does God want me to do? What do I want? Ugh! Why can't I figure this out? I'm so bad at making decisions. I just...I just need some coffee.

And the thought process continues.
I guess you could say I'm in a bit of a writing rut. It always happens after the holidays. I suppose it's more than simply a 'writing rut'. I've been absolutely terrified of what's going to happen in the future. It's so easy to get wrapped up in plans and 'what if's. It's so easy to become anxious over things that haven't even happened yet, and may never happen at all. It's so easy to assume that I'm the one in control, when in reality that is not the case.
Sometimes the whirlwind in my own head is overwhelming and I feel as though I might explode. But I have found such rest and peace in Jesus. Even though I don't know what's going to happen, when I begin to focus on him, the knots in my stomach seem to disappear and the feelings are replaced with a sense of peace.