jana diaries

Long time, no talk friends. Writing is so therapeutic for me, and I wish I did it more.

A year ago is when I started even suspecting there was something else wrong with me besides mono. I still find myself shocked that I even have lyme disease.  Now, after 6 months of antibiotics, am I better? Well, no.
( Note to self; when in public pools tell little sister not to scream across the pool, "JANA YOU CAN'T SWIM IN A PUBLIC POOL BECAUSE YOU HAVE A DISEASE." lol. *facepalm* )

I honestly believe that Lyme had been in my body since I was five years old. Could I be wrong? yeah. But it seems to be the only thing that makes sense to me. Let's look at it this way; the longer that lyme is in the body, the harder it is to eradicate the bacteria and co-infections. If that's the case then how could I expect only six months of antibiotics to knock out my chronic illness?

A lot of people ask me how I am doing, and I am trying to be more honest. Sometimes I don't have the energy to explain myself to people, because they look so confused if I tell them I'm still not feeling well. But regardless this leads me to that question; how am I doing really?

I am doing better in some ways and worse in others. Let's look at how I'm doing better first because #positivity.

1- Emotionally, I feel more at peace than I ever have since being diagnosed with lyme. 
Chronic illness changes you. You have to learn to adapt and accept the things about your health or your life that you can't change. That alone I think is a lifelong process. (I guess you could say that that goes for any difficult situation)

I met a friend for coffee a couple days ago who has been remission from lyme + many other chronic illnesses. She said something that stuck with me; "Our illnesses are not about us." 
I believe everything in my life God can use to bring glory to his kingdom; including my illness.

 I realized not long ago that I was holding on to a lot of bitterness, hurt and anger. 

Pain has a way of keeping you focused on yourself. There was a lot of dissatisfaction in my heart, because I just couldn't understand why my old life had been swept away from me. It felt as though God pulled the rug out from under my feet, and I was left flailing.

But God has begun to tenderly shift my eyes towards him; to show me how deeply he loves me even when  I may not understand.
If there's one thing chronic illness has made me realize, it's that I am sinful. And I am not as strong as I think I am. I am selfish and prideful.
I'm not saying that is the case for other chronic illness sufferers, just my own personal journey. When something is taken away from me my gut reaction is anger, fear, and lots of 'why me's'. Where was the joy and the peace that everyone talked about when God let bad things happen? I couldn't find it.

I heard this quote on a podcast the other day;

"Our greatest problem is not our pain. Our greatest problem is our sin." 

Convicting much?

I am still learning how to turn to Christ instead of myself.  I still wake up each day and sometimes think that if God just healed me and my life would be better. And I fully believe he has the power to do so, if he wanted to. But if he chooses not to, or in a different timing than I would like, then that is ok. I am learning to be thankful for this illness, for the very reason that it is refining my human soul and bring me back to the gospel.

That being said, he has given me so much peace and joy, that I know for a fact doesn't come from my own human nature. And that my friends is a gift.

2- Relapsing Symptoms? 

A lot of old symptoms have returned, along with some new ones. Lyme can hide. It is a very smart, advanced bacteria; a superbug of sorts. It can hide from medicine and go deeper into your body where the antibiotics can't reach it. It can fold itself up origami style so that your body doesn't even know it's there. Sounds like some sort of weird creepy alien, right?
On top of that, I wasn't meshing with my lyme doc. so I decided to just search for a different one. I started praying God would show me what to do next. A few weeks later, I stumbled across one and have an appointment in October and I am feeling hopeful.

The lord has blessed me with an amazing husband, the sweetest family and friends, and a clear path what to do next.

The more time goes on, the more I am realizing it isn't about me. That is the very reason I share my health journey, because if this helps just one person feel less alone than that is all that matters. I truly believe that God uses our lives and our stories to impact those around us, whether or not we see how that happens. I know for myself, when I have seen someone who experiences great loss or pain but has faith, that screams Jesus. Because it is only through his grace can we experience that joy.

Happy Saturday friends!

Blessings
Jana

RESOURCES: 

-The Enneagram Test 
Type Descriptions
Typology Podcast
Jennifer Howard's Enneagram Youtube

I had a conversation with an old co-worker/friend the other day that's really stuck with me. We were talking about me being sick, and they said, "Well, it just didn't appear to be that bad...I mean, I didn't notice you weren't feeling well."
I shifted my weight in the chair.
"I guess I kind of did it to myself, I was trying very hard to hide it," I laughed, trying to distract myself from how disheartening that was to hear. I mumbled,
"Actually I was coming to work everyday with a fever, I was just was trying to power through."

"Oh....well, I guess you should just communicate better next time." they responded. And it's true, I didn't communicate how I was feeling. Because how could I? My doctor told me I was fine, actually, several doctors. I thought I was a baby and I needed to suck it up, buttercup. If I complained, if I told everyone how much I was struggling, how could they have understood when I looked so normal? Maybe I'm too cynical of people and always assume they wouldn't be willing to listen.

The hardest part of being sick for me is feeling misunderstood. Feeling as though people thought I was lazy, or a quitter, or a liar. None of that is me, or has ever been me. No one every SAID that to me but it was heavily implied. My job used to be a very big part of my life. After I quit, I had more than one person come up and say, "well I guess everyday is saturday for you now, right?!" Ouch. It's not like I quit work because I wanted a break or a vacation, heck no. I quit because I was sick. I quit because I was literally forgetting where I was when I was driving. I was zoning out so much I felt like a zombie. I quit because I was in pain.

My mom told me I didn't have to prove it to anyone. I found a good doctor who diagnosed me with lyme, and that is that.

But even after my diagnosis I struggle with feeling like I need people to understand. I constantly feel the need to prove to everyone that even though I look normal, I'm not. Just because I don't talk about my pain all the time, doesn't mean it's not there. If I talked about lyme 24/7, I promise you, you wouldn't wanna be friends with me.
I'm in a weird limbo land where I am having many more good days than bad, but I still feel kinda off. Especially if I let myself get too tired and if I do too much. (aka, yeah, i overdid it this week. Oops.)

I may have lyme disease, but I am more than lyme. It is a part of my story but it is not who I am.  I choose every day to FIGHT against my illness in order to have a full life again, even if I'm in pain, and even if I don't talk about it. Life with lyme, you never know what you will get.

The cold, hard truth of the matter is people are going to believe what they want to believe. Regardless of the truth. I could sit here in my anger and think about how everyone else needs to change, or I could take this to the Lord and ask him to change my heart. After all, he is only one who truly 100% understands, because he is all knowing. He sees, and he cares.

I often feel him gently nudging my heart and I hear, "Why do you need to prove yourself so badly? Trust that I AM ENOUGH."

He is enough for me, even when people let me down.
He is enough for me when I let others down.
He is enough for me when life does not go as planned.
He is enough for me when I am hurting; physically and emotionally.
He is enough for me when others don't understand.
And He is enough for me when I don't understand, either.

I don't know about you, but I find great comfort in knowing that the Lord cares of me. I find comfort in resting in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Confession; I'm obsessed with personality tests. If I see one on facebook or pinterest I basically HAVE to take it, even though it might be as stupid as 'what kind of bread matches your personality' or 'what disney princess are you?" When my friend Emily introduced me to the enneagram, I jumped on it. I like the enneagram because it helps me better understand myself, and other people. I like trying figure out what makes a person tick and their motives behind everything. What is so funny is that it took me a few tries to figure out what type I was.


I have trouble finding out who I am because I'm so easily influence by those around me. You like pizza? Oh, I like it too. You wanna go bowling? Yeah let's go. You hate tacos? ok I hate them too. I tend to merge myself with whatever I find is going to create the least amount of conflict, therefore being a people pleaser instead of staying true to myself. Low and behold, I'm a nine. "The Peacemaker". 

Being a good friend sometimes means not always telling people what they want to hear. If that's the case, sometimes I'm a really bad friend. I once heard someone describe nines as a 'chameleon' because they shift themselves depending on who is around them. I relate with that beyond measure. I feel like I have different personalities for different people. I don't do it consciously of course, it just unfolds that way.

What's so ironic is by changing myself and becoming a people pleaser in order to 'keep the peace', it often does just the opposite. I have gotten myself into trouble many times because of my inability to stay true to myself, or saying yes or maybe when I mean to say no.

My default setting is to keep quiet, blend in, make everyone happy. But in doing so I can lose myself and end up creating a passive aggressive explosion. 

It's so hard for me to speak up sometimes. To say what I'm actually thinking and realize that it matters. But I'm workin' on it. I think being a Christian, understanding my 'default' setting and praying that God can help me to become more like him, makes ALL the difference. We're all sinful people, but we're all very unique individuals with different strengths and weaknesses.

If you haven't taken the enneagram, I highly encourage you to do so. Being honest about who you really are can be tough, but it's worth the time and energy. Because then we can work on not changing who we are, but growing into who we were really meant to be. 

I think everyone has certain expectations for their life and how it's going to go, and most of the time I think those expectations are pretty off track. As I make plans or assumptions I kind of imagine God just laughing to himself. I really believed my Lyme recovery was going to take longer than it has been, which, is a pleasant surprise.

“Be who you are, say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr seuss